


The Unofficial Rules of the Starship Enterprise

by goldkirk



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Gen, Slice of Life, also Shenanigans On My Starship are a Captain's Perogative, and also literally children, and also sometimes drunk, and sentient plants, bickering like siblings, big happy space family shenanigans, crew as really wild extended family, featuring Bones Is So Done Sometimes, no betting pools on the officers people come on, there are some games you should just never play on a starship, think crazy family reunion with like several hundred people and everyone's excited, what the admiralty doesn't know can't hurt them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-29
Updated: 2016-08-29
Packaged: 2018-08-11 20:10:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7905958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldkirk/pseuds/goldkirk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Life on board the Enterprise is something you just have to experience. These rules may not be in the official Starfleet books, but they're as important as anything else on this crazy ship. </p><p>(or, "space is totally <em>wild,</em> and we're like a really big extended family where all of us are very easily bored")</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Unofficial Rules of the Starship Enterprise

1\. The laws of physics are not challenges.

2\. You may not test theories on each other. Not even the senior officers. _Especially_ not the senior officers.

3\. _Do not feed any tribbles._

4. **DO NOT FEED ANY TRIBBLES.**

5\. Tribbles are no longer allowed on the ship.

5a. Edit: Dr. McCoy and First Officer Spock may use a tribble when _absolutely necessary_ under _dire circumstances only_.

5b. Update: No crew member may ever have a tribble on the ship under any circumstances ever.

6\. The ship is not sentient. The captain may not marry the ship, even if it's only a joke. Neither may Mr. Scott.

7\. We take it back. The ship is sentient. Respect her at all times.

* * *

8\. Any non-standard maintenance (READ: _modifications_ ) to the ship MUST be approved by Starfleet and properly documented.

9. Even if the Captain would pretend not to notice them. Or wholeheartedly supports them. Or is the one doing them. 

9a. STOP MODIFYING THE DAMN SHIP, JIM.

10\. Captain, Doctor McCoy is wise in his advice. I suggest you follow it before there are any...unfavorable consequences from the admirals in Starfleet Command.

10a. Spock, did you just threaten me?

10b. Negative, Captain. I merely wish to remind you of the upcoming ship inspections, as the last time Admiral Benett had to deal with the reports he was very adamant that our crew is no longer trusted to do our own quarterly inspections. Apparently too many of crew relationships are founded on “mutual propensities for non-strictly-regulation shenanigans.”

* * *

11\. The illegal still in Engineering is—however appreciated—still illegal. No stills in Engineering, or anywhere else on the ship.

12. Alcohol from said still may _not_ be sold for profit, _especially_ outside of this crew. News of its existence cannot, under any circumstances, reach the admirals or their underlings. Or the engineering staff of other ships. Or the _captains_ of other ships!

12a. NO ONE MAY SPEAK OF THE STILL DOWN IN ENGINEERING, EVEN TO OTHERS ON THIS SHIP.

13. The first rule of moonshine stills: You do not speak about the moonshine stills. Just shut up and drink the alcohol.

13a. With pleasure, sir!

* * *

14. Lieutenant Uhura would like to inform whoever modified and reprogrammed the universal translators that she looks forward to personally ripping out their vocal cords and using them to repair the damage she's been forced to spend the last 34 hours fixing.

15\. The captain would like to remind Lieutenant Uhura that insults said in other languages are still insults, and still unacceptable.

16\. Lieutenant Uhura would like to remind the Captain that insults are acceptable when sufficiently deserved by _certain farm hicks_ and that if they are not understood by the enemy party then there's no harm done.

17\. The Captain would like to remind Lieutenant Uhura that he is, contrary to what she may believe, a genius who does know more languages than he usually lets on, and no sentient being would appreciate being called a _**[expletive removed, by authority of Lieutenant Commander Spock]**_ under any circumstances.

18\. Lieutenant Commander Uhura would like to _politely_ remind the Captain—

19\. _Lieutenant Commander Spock,_ with the authority of First Officer, hereby orders this conversation to be dropped immediately. It is unbecoming of senior officers, and frankly, quite childish. If the two parties wish to continue, they may do so on their own time in private quarters.

* * *

20\. On a related note to yesterday's spat, no one is allowed to place bets pitting senior officers against each other. Especially not the other senior officers.

* * *

21\. Karaoke night is hereby banned forever from the Enterprise.

* * *

22\. The Captain is not allowed to declare laser tag wars in the Jeffries tubes. Even if everyone involved enjoyed it.

23\. Pig Latin is not an official language of the Federation, nor an acceptable method of communication when working on shift.

26\. The shipwide broadcast system is not for playing favorite music while at warp in to "set the mood."

* * *

27\. Regulations are not _"more like guidelines, anyway."_  

* * *

28\. "What the admiralty doesn't know..." is not a phrase that should precede _**any** statement_ on this ship. 

28a. Somehow, every time it’s said, the admiralty inevitably does find out. Senior Command is investigating the possibility of a jinx on the phrase.

* * *

29\. The Captain is not allowed to name any newly-discovered dinosaurs by himself. We cannot have seven separate species of _Kirkosaurus._

30\. The marriages that various crewmembers have been forced into via alien rituals on away missions are **not** **valid**. If you wish to be officially bound, you can do so the normal, legal way.

* * *

32\. Starfleet has officially-established drill proceedures. They do not include laser tag, paintball, Mafia, or capture the flag.

* * *

33\. The Captain is no longer allowed to eat, drink, touch flirt with, or look at any unknown substances on away missions.

34\. It is a punishable offense to evade routine medical evaluations. 

34a. This includes you, Jim.

34b. Any and all crewmembers found to be assisting the Captain in hiding from Doctor McCoy are subject to official reprimand and the immediate restriction of all deserts from their meal card.

35\. No member of the crew may walk within five feet of Lieutenant Sulu's plants. Some of them can move, and some of them are extremely...territorial. 

36\. Starfleet is not responsible for the consequences if you decide to play tag in the Jeffries Tubes, nor will you receive any sympathy for injuries sustained while doing so.

36a. Except maybe for Chekov.

37\. There is no such thing as being "allergic to paperwork," especially since paperwork is entirely digital and no longer on actual paper.

* * *

38\. The captain may not declare Casual Fridays.

* * *

39\. The Captain may not declare a "Space Pirate Day.”

* * *

40\. Officer Spock may not mislead crew members into believing that he is still ignorant of common human idioms and expressions of speech. 

41\. However illogical the captain is being, when logic fails to persuade him, it is still not acceptable to pick him up and physically move him.

42\. **FOR THE LAST TIME, JEFFRIES TUBES ARE NOT FOR PLAYING IN.**

43\. Shipwide games of Murder are not an accepted method of "team bonding." No matter how much you try to argue that a common enemy brings people together, it won’t change the fact that organized serial murders—even fake ones—are not acceptable behavior on a starship.


End file.
